I am starting to learn,
the way I think is different
from the way most other people think.



I need to keep my mouth shut.

&
Only observe.

things are looking up, sometimes

I guess you can say I am going through a war in my head
between this and that.
some moments every single thing makes complete sense.
yet like a flash I am lost again.
taken out by the waves.

I wonder how long until I sink into this darkness..

single?

I stood in the rain.
In the middle of the street.
the feeling grabbed me, pulled me down.



I am no where it is now.

5%

I can not have the one thing I want,
and naturally that fact alone makes me want it even more.

Every night this is getting worse.
It is always in a room full of faces that this sort of thing dawns on me.
That this is the exact feeling when I feel absolutely alone.

That not a single one of these people really knows me.
Or even worse,
the fact that I don't want to get to know a single one of these people.
That is when it hits me, this is where it always hits me.
It takes a lot for someone to sustain my interest.

Most people, well 95% of people, bore me.
Their words, their eyes, the way they move when they stand from a chair.
The way they talk to strangers, the way they talk to their "friends".

People are predictable.
These kind of people that do not interest me.
Not a bit.
They are the kind of people,
that you get to know,
and once you do,
you realize
"I have known this exact person before."
So why waste your time?

haha
Though I find myself always wasting time.

I am fickle and you arnt special

thank god.

haha

to be honest,
this depression is a good thing,
in the eyes of my music, and my art.
I shall perform soon.
I will not get out of this soon.


That is ok.

jan 08 equivalent to dec 09. Ironic.

I barley eat,
Hardly sleep.


I have been here.
It is effecting me physically now.
I told myself I wouldn't let it take me here.
Especially not with him.
Oh but here I am.
Oh yes, yes again.
This is me,
I am to far to gone for saving.

I wrote this for you, wasted and sad. U have no idea who you are

i'm chewing on the metal in my mouth
trying to decide
what is really laying on my mind.
but no matter what
no matter who
it always somehow leads to you

and as much as they say run away
as much as they shout flee this place
I keep telling myself
this has to equal out
or why would by heart pound when your around

I dont know what to do
I dont know where to go
everyone's advise seems to lead me in a hole
oh be my lantern
lead me out
be my lite
ignite this flame
for all I want
all I need,
burn by your side
burn this place
till we run out of days

I don't mind saying it again.
I really don't take any person or anything seriously anymore.
Nothing and no one are to be taken seriously, ever.
I let my mind stay where it is,
Then I drink and bullshit the rest.



Everyday I just expect nothing.
So much comes out of nothing.

kill it.

I am sick and tired of all the men,
and boys around here.
Leave me alone.
Every last one of you.
You were the one that started this.
not i.

human.

So for the past 3 nights,
I have gotten 4 hours of sleep each night, well morning.
Yet all it has done is made me blurry and careless.

Your mind doesnt begin to dream until hour 2.
2 hours of dream.
So I figured I could maybe stop some, well the reoccurring ones.
The haunting one.

But no,
oh no no no.
No my idea was killed.
Killed fast and messy.
They are now just longer.
More vivid, and crazy.

oh these dreadful dreams
that make me feel
the happiness
that I can not seem to obtain
in real life.

How is it,
that I can feel this happiness
with just the thought of you....
this is unfair.




I am about to jump.

story of my life.

"We are masters of the unsaid words,
but slaves of those we let slip out"

I have not obtained this.

A relationship is you trying to understand someone.
Them trying to understand you.


With only a person who gives you chills.
forces a smirk onto your face, with just eye contact.


The fact that their mere presence is enough to make everything mean absolutely nothing.
and that when their skin is pressed to yours, you cant help,
but just go crazy.
But you can't ever seem to get enough.


Yet this only works with a person that you find irresistibly desirable
&
who makes you feel irresistibly desirable.

The only advise I actually trust
and they said "run".




Defeated.