http://ghoullsinmygarden.tumblr.com/

i sit
and i wonder

what's next?
what now?
where next?
who knows how?

I dont,
actually I dont know anything at all.

I dont even care to give false meaning to anything in this world.



Let break things down for you:i left my perfectly molded hot boyfriend, because he was basically a walking dead body who lacked words and passion. After 2 years of this you must imagine, you've forgotten what it's like to live.

So I said farewell to him.

Yes, my heart was shattered, yes, from myself, which was fine. I was willing to let my heart heal.

then anther boy walked into my life,
he had been knocking for a while
but between that sexy beard
and
clever mind.
It was tough saying no.
It was far too soon,
but I said fuck it.
I ended up uncovering a person I had wish I hadnt
and needless to say that was a huge mess for my poor shattered heart to handle.





So months later Im here
,
just meeting people,
reading them,
watching them
and they are all the same.
( Most of the time Im just rude. Rude to every guy that approaches me. From the second our eyes meet, I know everything I need to know. Meeting people I like first off is rare. )

My hearts behind a brick wall, which has already got me in a few messes already but its still there. Im never satisfied. It's always something, some little insignificant thing.
Im so very picky, personality's are funny.
But first off the way they kiss,
the way they touch,
there eyes eyes eyes,
where they look,
if I see lust or simply fire,
as long as they stay open is a plus,
where there lips move,
where there hands move,
mostly just passion,
a feeling of real passion, real raw passion.


I had given up on every finding that passion.

(I had found things close, but never quite close enough, even molded dead boy lacked eye contact. That drove me mad,
but he had perfect hips, and flawless collarbones that made me wild multiple times a day,)


I lay here rotting
my bones deteriorating.
my blood disintegrating.
Im decomposing in front of this crowd.
Composing as I collapse right through the ground.

The darkness is just as enchanting as it is haunting.

im insane.
I know this.

my whole family was insane. Ive observed them since I was 6 years old. I knew crazy and insane was my fate, and I knew I was gonna be an artist. I knew before I knew. Alcoholism fascinated me. It took my whole dad's side of the family. I am the only blood related girl, so they hoped this addiction would skip. It'll take my father and it's already gonna take me. My friends say I should write down all my stories.

insanity I find you rather friendly.
bite my nails
scratch my eye
chew on my lip
take a sip
take a hit
eyes wide
time flies
trying to escape
it hard to live
when every feeling you have
feels dead.


gasp, grasp, finally at last.
Ive found my chant
im nothing
it's endless
deaths a gift
graveyards give birth to the purest silence
appreciate it
when you visit my body there

i promise to chant in your ear with the wind.

no job.
no form of income.
my heart misses him
more and more everyday
you asked me to visit,
to stay forever

I think I might just move out of state.
i need to forget you
and long beach you are not the place for that.
I meet him at a bar.
his accent swooned me
he held me though the night,
didnt let go once.
My European crush ended up being a famous bmx rider.

first bar take home could of been worse, and I didnt even know who he was till our morning conversations.

2points for me.
crash shatter burn.